Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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