atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
