my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Found your dick twin last night
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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