my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
