just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
