just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
