I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
