Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
