her facebook's as public as her vagina
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
