So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
