I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
