Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
