She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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