I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
