I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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