Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
