She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Randomize
