Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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