I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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