i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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