I can't breathe out the right side of my face
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Vodka?
Forever.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
