I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
