I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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