wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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