Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
