If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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