what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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