dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
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We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
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Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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