I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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