so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
