i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
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Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
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When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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