Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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