I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
