I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
