I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
