When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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