I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
