Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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