Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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