If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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