You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
