I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
