I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
