Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I looked at my own cervix.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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