Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
