Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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