I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
