I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
