And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
