I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
