just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
