i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
