Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
