my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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