So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
