Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
