So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
