sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
