brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
